so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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