Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
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He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
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But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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