he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
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How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
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Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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