three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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