John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
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Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
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Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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