She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
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Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
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We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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