I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
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The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
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I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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