Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize