youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
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I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
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The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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