you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
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The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I think a kid would responsible me up
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
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I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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