Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
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OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
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I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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