I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
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And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
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We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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