hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
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i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
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YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
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