I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
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I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
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Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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