i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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