I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
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I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
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He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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