My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
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I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
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I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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