I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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