so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Good news!! I can adult!! π turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ππ
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize