Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
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I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
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You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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