oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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