Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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