Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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