My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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