I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
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We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Still dying that you shit outside
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
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I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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