I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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