This dress was meant to end up on your floor
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
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Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
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Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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