I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
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I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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