I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
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You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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