I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
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He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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