I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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