see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
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After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
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I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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