I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
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Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
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We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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