Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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