Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
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The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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