Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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