To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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