He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
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Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
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That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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