You smell like stripper and shame
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
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I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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