i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize