Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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