just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
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We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
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there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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