3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you traded sex for a burrito?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
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i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
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My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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