I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
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How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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