I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
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He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
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I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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