I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
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