I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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