he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
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My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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