Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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