I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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